Gosh, it's been a very long time since I wrote a blog/diary type thing. What made me start up again, you may ask? Well, I am not really sure myself. I suppose its partly out of boredom during the summer holiday (and lack of cash to do anything vaguely exciting), and possibly a small amount of vanity - that I even think anybody would be interested in knowing my inner thoughts. Which leads me onto something which needs a little clarification... This blog is not meant for an audience, but rather a way in which I can just stream off useless gabble about whats on my mind. I shall start with a small, but necessary, introduction...
My name is Mandy (and to keep it reasonably anonymous, i will not divulge my full/actual name). I am 26 years old - and wow, it sounds incredibly old to me now when I write it in a sentence like that. I am a teacher, recently qualified. I teach maths in a girls school in Surrey. I live with my fiancee, although we have now been engaged for over a year and I still don't feel like either of us are particularly bothered about getting married. I used to think it was something I desperately wanted, but the desire has somewhat fizzled out. I suppose its partly because of the mammoth task of organising it on my own scares the be-jesus out of me (he is not very interested in it, and hasn't really expressed any desire to get it going either). I have an elder brother who lives somewhere up North (again, lets keep a little anonymity). Oh, I live in London. Currently, anyway. We are also currently trying to find a house/flat to buy, but that is also not getting very much of our/my attention. Perhaps, due to part-laziness and part-disappointment about how little the bank is willing to lend us.
I hate to start off with negatives, but I suppose that is how I am feeling these days. I already feel like a failure at 26. Teaching. I know some people love teaching, and it gives them a huge amount of personal satisfaction. Well, not me. I find it so un-rewarding actually. I put in so much effort to the point where I nearly approach mental breakdown, dire-fatigue, etc, yet I can still have a bad lesson. And normally my worst lessons are the ones I put so much time into planning. Actually, thinking about it, that's the worst part about my job. I finally think of an amazing idea to teach a boring topic. I spend many hours working on it. And I mean, HOURS, planning this fantastic lesson with loads of fun activities and resources. I'm all pumped, waiting for my class to arrive. I try and get started, and the kids just ruin it. They talk, shout, argue, swear. Its so bloody exhausting. 'Crowd control' rather than 'educating'. After an hour, I am totally exhausted, devastated at the pathetic reception I just received. Oh, and by the way, I now have to teach another group of ungrateful kids in the next 5 minutes. Just enough time to pick up the crisp wrappers and screwed up notes which the kids have littered my classroom with. Enter, the next batch of 30 kids and let the next hour of soul-destroying antics begin.
How depressing that all sounds. In fact, its even more depressing to me after writing it out. I'm waiting for a better feeling of success and satisfaction from my career, but if I'm honest, I've not got my hopes up. I always thought I would be more. And yes, I probably mean it in a financial sense. Lets face it, I work 15-16 hours a day and get paid a shameful amount. And I am a bit self-indulgent in my glum state. I think my work attitude is such that I would always be a work-aholic, no matter what my career was. I just wish I got paid more for it and was shown a little more appreciation. Excuse me while I go and get my little violin out.
So yes, I feel pretty depressed about my working life. Fed up of barely having enough money to survive in London. I am even more fed up with the fact that I have to keep asking my parents to bail me out. Such a pathetic existence, but I see no way out. A dead end, one might say. A teacher for life. The phrase makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Gosh, that's enough depressing thoughts for one night I think. Stay tuned, if you haven't already died of boredom.
No comments:
Post a Comment